I wish I could tell you that this was still America.
But I’ve come to realise that you can’t have a country without people.
And there are no people here.
No my friends… this is now “The United States Of Covidland”
It’s amazing how quickly things can go from ‘bad’ to ‘total shit-storm’.
And why am I alive, when everyone around me has turned into doomsday preppers?
It’s because of my list of rules.
Rule#1 for survival in Covidland is…”Cardio not required”. Your gyms are closed. You’ve got nothing to do but sit on your butt. But we’re open! Get your butt off the chair and get that body limbered up, loose as a goose, and ready to take on the chaotic world with a great massage.
When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were…our employees. Covid scared the heck out of them. But after scrubbing, disinfecting, and some mental therapy, they’re back and ready to rub, but still…no tug.
As the infection spread and panic grew…we knew it wasn’t enough to cry in a fetal position in a tub of sanitizer. We’d have to learn how to take an accurate shot and go for the kill.
Which leads me to my 2nd rule…”The Double Wash”
In those moments when you’re not sure that the germs have been decontaminated.
Don’t get stingy with your Lysol. The double spray, double wipe, and double wash have kept our store clean and our employees safe. The Double Wash also prevents evil Karen’s from raiding our store.
But it isn’t long before the fear gets to you. Somehow the germs know where to catch you with your pants down and when you’re at your most vulnerable.
Rule #3: “Beware of Bathrooms”
Wash your hands please. The germs are everywhere. We’re even considering a bidet. Toilet paper shortage…SOLVED!
So there you have it. Our ultimate guide to surviving Covid.
Disclaimer: This is a joke. Please listen to the CDC guidelines. We are too.